The Dem's Win

Stephen Colbert reflects on America's mandate

Well, I guess I'm going to have to call this thing ... for the Democrats.

WOO HOO! The people have spoken. An apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong: I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years. That's it, folks! America's over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the (censored ... "Gosh Darn") Indians. Let's see how they deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction.

Here's your cake, Terrorists. Here you go! Enjoy. MMmmmmmm. Tastes like "surrender."

Timmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. [Subtitles appear in Arabic] There ya go. Get used to these.

You know what really gets me here? You know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing; the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the President. "Hey, the ship's in trouble! Quick, let's drown the Captain!" We were THIS close to Jesus coming back! And you Republicans who turned your back on the President are going to wander in the desert for the next two years ... literally! Someone's gonna have to replace those troops in Iraq.

And don't think you're off the hook, voters. You're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it.

Tomorrow, you're all going to wake up in a brave new world. A world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab created by homosexual doctors who sterilyze their instruments over burning American flags!

Where tax & spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach Evolution to illegal immigrants.

OHHH! And EVERYBODY'S HIGH! [Inhales immaginary doobie] WOOOO!!

Sadly, Colbert nearly quit, only to happily return by the end of the show with a renewed mission to take down this Democratic administration. Thank God.