Its been a little over two months now since my Mom died. Here are some thoughts...
• It has gotten a little easier to reflect on & talk about her in public. There are still some sensitive topics that bring a hard lump to my throat. I still have a difficult time thinking about my grandmother, and how difficult a time she must have coping with the loss. That's a topic I can never get very far with.
Also, when I think of the suffering Mom endured (over the course of her 17 months fighting cancer, and especially in that week she spent in the Hospital after her seizure) it breaks my heart. Having cancer forces people to fight for their lives. You fight & suffer, and fight & suffer -- and sometimes you still come out on the short end. Sometimes it feels unjust.
• Mama had a cat that she brought with her from Alabama. It is literally impossible to see that now orphan cat without thinking about Mama. In a way, that cat is a personification of Mom's presence & the void she left all at the same time.
• I've always known about it, but I've recently rediscovered the musical genre of the dirge. And now I understand all the lyrics. They've been comforting to me.
• The other day I went through some old personal E-mails that Mom had sent me. I've kept most of the E-mails that I've received over the last 4-5 years, so I have a bunch of E-mails from Mom still sitting in my Inbox. Most of them are messages with her very wacky sense of political fanaticism (she was one of those "George W. Bush engineered 9/11" weirdo's). But it's still neat to have something to go to & read from her.
• Mostly I miss sharing life with her. Mom & I grew close in her final months. We'd never been terribly close before for a lot of reasons, but we were sure buddies toward the end. Things happen in my life that I just want to call her up and tell her all about it. All my life up until recently, anything that happened I could call her up to tell her about it. And like all Mom's, she'd be attentive & eager to hear every word. That is so precious I can't even begin to explain. There just aren't any other relationships like that in life.
3 weeks ago