Kissing Cousins

The following is a transcript of the opening segment from Wednesday's Colbert Report:

COURAGE. It's rare out there in the media-scape, but John Stossel's got it. This guy's got courage up the wazoo. And no government regulation is going to take it out of his wazoo. It is packed tight up there.

Never one to back away from a controversial subject, in his syndicated column this week, Stossel comes out strongly in favor of marrying one's cousin. He says, quote:

"It would be ridiculous [...] to prohibit middle-aged women from having children. It's equally wrong to prohibit cousins from marrying. There are risks and challenges in any marriage ..."

"Give me a break!"

Who hasn't been to a family reunion and brushed up against an attractive cousin? Maybe you're both reaching for the potato salad -- your hand wraps around her's on the handle of the serving spoon. She blushes, and looks up at you with those crystal blue eyes just beaming from beneath her visor with the little fan on it. You tighten your grip. Her lips part. Your heart races. She runs away, but you chase her into the shade of an ivy-tangled gazebo. She tells you that you can't, you shan't, you musn't. Just because you live in a state that bans marriage between cousins. DARN IT! This grim parade of sorrow called life!

Well, next time that happens, just tell her that John Stossel says it's OK. Thank you John Stossel. And Charlene, I hope you're listening -- there's nothing wrong with it! Call me!

The lesson, as always: Never trust a guy with a mustache. Just look at Rafael Palmeiro. Am I not right?