Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It'll Jump Up and Bite You

There's really no dignified way to grieve except in private. And yet it appears there's no healthy way to cope except in community. So in the interest of being as respectable & authentic as I can, here I am.

It will have been three months this Friday that Mom passed (which was, incidentally, on a Friday). I mark that thought not because it is meaningful to me, but because it isn't so much. I won't plan on being an emotional basket-case this coming Friday. You don't plan your crying fits when in mourning. They come upon you.

And so it was this evening as I laid down that my thoughts drifted to Mom. And the tears welled up, the thoughts & emotions strengthened, and then the dam broke. I had to get up and have a good cry.

This doesn't happen too often -- maybe 2-3 times a month? At least it hasn't been an everyday occurrence for me. Others may cry more. But it does appear to be an important release from time to time to let myself cry.

Most of the time it is short & I don't really lose my composure. For example, there have been a couple of times where I was reading something that reminded me of Mom, and so I let a few tears stream down my face. But I wiped them off and then continued on with my day as if everything was normal.

Other times, though less often, a longer cry is necessary. Tonight was one of those nights. I lost a little sleep, I meditated on the void, and I let the emotions out. I miss her very much. And even though my emotions aren't as strong as they were immediately following her passing, it seems that as time passes I realize that I miss her even more than I thought I would, or thought I did originally.

Anyway, I chronicle this here for my own posterity and for those of you who've never had to deal with loss. If you're interested in some of my thoughts/feelings at other points in the last few months, just click on the label below.

1 comment:

Lloyd said...

Phil, I'm sorry that you've had to deal with your Mom's death coming at such a relatively early age. I pray that I don't have to learn these lessons on my own for a long time (maybe never, if Jesus returns?), but I appreciate you chronicling your feelings here.

I was looking for some other information, for class actually, when I ran across this. At first I almost thought someone else had linked your writing until I saw the date. Apparently, you are not alone in your feelings like this.

Love you brother.