America's Comedy Conference

I won't try to re-dress-up this nugget from Stewart Mandel's funny introduction to his column where he recaps Saturday's action. I'll just copy & paste it here. Hit the link to go read the entire column.

ROLL TIDE!

Another year, another glorious start for the nation's wannabe superconference. It began Thursday night with N.C. State's nationally televised 34-0 shellacking at the hands of South Carolina and continued Saturday with Virginia Tech (11-3 a year ago) falling to East Carolina, Virginia (9-4) losing 52-7 at home to USC and of course league favorite Clemson laying a colossal egg against Alabama in front of a national, prime-time audience.

However, the biggest blunder in ACC country Saturday took place in the sky. A pair of parachuters who were slated to deliver the game ball for North Carolina's opener against McNeese State inadvertently landed eight miles away -- at Duke's stadium. "In about five years," said concerned UNC associate AD Rick Steinbacher, "maybe this will be funny."

Oh no -- it's plenty funny right now.

The Tyranny of Cell Phones

There is something sinister about cell phones.

Lately, something that annoys me is the "Are You Running Late?" cell phone check-up. Generally, I'm one of those types of people that make an effort to be punctual & on time when I've made plans to meet someone somewhere. But I'm not perfect. And, now that we all have cell phones, if I'm running a fraction late (like 1 or 2 minutes) -- or even if I'm not running late & they have their clock set fast -- other timely people sense the need to make an obligatory call to inquire about how soon someone will be where we are. "Sooooo, where are you? How far away are you? When do you think you'll get here?"

It's gotten to a point where, if I happen to be running behind, I cringe at the harrowing thought of having to deal with one of those uncomfortable "I'm waiting on you & I have little patience of my own" phone calls. And to avoid this cell phone terrorism, I've even begun to employ the preemptive punctuality call.

You know what? I've decided that this is annoying. I myself am resolved no longer to be that demanding or insecure over a cell phone in that way. I encourage you to do the same.

Church Fraternization

Have you ever noticed a difference between the kinds of conversations that go on before church & the ones that happen after church?

Before church, conversations feel forced & awkward, and all surface-level.

"How are you doing?"
"Pretty good... you?"
"Doin'... alright..."

Just "How're ya doin'." We might move on to talk about the weather if we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel of subjects to address. But we beware of going too in-depth for fear of the beginning of worship interfering with our conversation.

And after our awkward hello's, we then go stake out our seats. It's like making sure you have a good spot in the movie theater. The folks who get there early really just want to make sure that they have a nice seat before the show starts.

After church, however, people feel more loose. The tension that something important is about to start in a couple of minutes isn't hanging over everyone in the place. People hang out, have longer conversations, play with each other's babies, and generally shoot the breeze for as long as they want.

By and large, however, I've noticed in my congregation that folks are either one or the other. The early-to-church folks will fraternize with the other early folks. But within 5 minutes of the end of that closing prayer, they're off. If ever I'm standing by the door, they can't wait to get by me. They might as well say, "Outta my way -- I got some sinnin' to go do." However, the after-church-loiterers are usually the same folks that have a hard time getting to church on time. Once church is over, however, they're not in a hurry to take off -- in fact, they might stay all night if they didn't have to go to work the next day & get the kids ready for bed and school the next day.

One of the challenges of preaching, to me, is that I have to be both. I don't have the luxury of showing up early & then quickly scurrying away after my "performance." And it looks really bad if I come rushing in to the auditorium only a couple of minutes before the first song.

And I can't play favorites with one group or the other. If I'm not locking up the building with somebody else from the congregation, people may give me a surprised, "Oh!... Goodbye then" as I walk out the door earlier than they do. And if I'm not at the building at least 15 minutes before the hour, the early-to-church time-sticklers tend to give me a colder shoulder. I imagine it's because I'm not giving them their due "pre-show glad-handing."

(There's another word I thought of to describe this part of ministry, but it is blatantly off color. I'm sure you can figure it out. Rhymes with "doorway." Oh, and the standing by the door while folks file out... I might as well be smoking a cigarette & asking them, "Was it good for you?")

Anyway, I've learned it's just better if I'm the one unlocking the door before church & locking it up when it's time to go home.

Rethinking the Power 12

You know what: the first preseason IDKWtAS Power 12 stunk. I'm doing it over. I present you with a more refined edition.

1.) Southern Cal
Another National Championship, and they've got team of the decade sewn up.

2.) Florida
I think they will grow a defense to go with that battering ram quarterback.

3.) Ohio State
They return a gob of starters, and can beat about anyone (except teams from a certain regional conference). Should be fun when they face the Trojans early, and will take my top spot if they man up & beat them.

4.) Oklahoma
This analysis isn't that hard-hitting, but I like Bob Stoops.

5.) Georgia
Lots of talent. But if you follow SEC football, Georgia always figures out a way to mess up a good thing. I'm just not a true believer yet to rank them up at the top.

6.) West Virginia
There'll be a steep decline after this season, but they still have a great offense.

7.) Missouri
A good QB can take you far, and the Tigers have one.

8.) Texas
It's not so much about the X's & the O's; it's about the Jimmy's and the Joe's. Mack Brown keeps bringing a steady stream of talent to Austin, so they should do well this season.

9.) LSU
These Tigers have everything but a good QB. They could possibly develop one & finish this high at the end of the season. Or they could wallow in mediocrity and drop to third or fourth in their conference division.

10.) Wisconsin
Under-rated every year -- sure, I'll stick them in my top 10. They may not hang around for long, though, because they get Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State in successive weeks fairly early.

11.) Clemson
Supposedly the ACC favorite. There's a decent chance they could lose their opening game of the season against a certain crimson-clad school.

12.) Auburn
Look out for the Spread Eagle offense. ;)

Pray for the Panhandle

Tropical Storm Fay will be passing over us in the Florida panhandle in the next couple of days. There's little reason to fear wind or storm surge damage. However, having watched systems like this over the years, I know that these types of weakened tropical systems can have a tendency to stall out over a region and cause severe flood damage.

Please pray that we are delivered from such disaster. God will be glorified no matter what. But, personally, I'd really rather not have to deal with that right now.

An SEC Joke

God asks Georgia coach Mark Richt first: “What do you believe?”

Mark thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my team.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Richt, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Auburn coach Tommy Tubberville and says, “What do you believe?”

Tommy says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.”

God is greatly moved by Tommy’s sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Alabama coach Nick Saban: “And you, Nick, what do you believe?”

Nick replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Best of Fail Blog

I know that some of you are already aware of this site, but there is a wonderful little blog that is dedicated to celebrating the everyday failures in our lives. It is called FAIL Blog. It is absolutely hilarious.

Though, a word of warning: from time to time there will be a certain amount of perverse humor. My approach, like with a lot of things in life, is to eat it like a fish: eat the meat, and throw away the bones. It's not that I wink at the bad stuff; I just try to ignore it.

Here are some recent favorites of mine from the Fail Blog...

• Secret Nuclear Bunker Fail
• Orange Juice Fail
• Bike Warning Fail
• Geography Fail
• English Translation Fail
• Ferry Fail

Kite-Flying in a Hurricane

Apparently, the guy ended up alright. But the lesson when it comes to kite-flying in a tropical system is a very simple one: don't do it!

Shallow Prayer

Today, a thinking out loud blog entry that randomly jumps from one ranting lily pad to the next...

Is there a way that we could better improve our prayer networks in church?

The traditional way of doing prayer in a corporate way is just wrought with so much... ugh. I can't even really put a word on it. It doesn't feel sincere, or authentic. And it always feels so short-sighted.

I've noticed for awhile, and never said anything, about how our prayer lists in our church bulletins are merely laundry lists of folks in ill health & their afflictions. Is this all that we can think of to pray about?

I do understand that this is part of the culture of older folks. Older folks generally sit around sharing with one another their long history of ailments & giving detailed explanations of their treatments & doctor's visits. I wish they wouldn't include their preacher in their often thorough & long-winded medical treatises, but that's a little bit of a different issue... ;)

(I know, I know... I'm so insensitive)

When we come to our large group of worship, often the best way to describe our "families of believers" is by calling us "familiar strangers." We don't very well get to a place where we can pray in specificity for one another's needs because we can't get comfortable enough in large settings to deal with those kinds of big, personal issues. So all we're really comfortable praying about is our health. Maybe the weather, too, if there's a hurricane looming.

But I'm not necessarily interested in getting into a polemic over why all churches should do small groups. :) In general, I think that there are bigger things that we could be praying about besides all of our boo-boo's. That's an indelicate way to put it, I know, but there are weightier matters to pray about. I wonder about how myopic & narcissistic we appear when so many of the corporate prayers that we offer are about healing our bodies in this temporal existence.

And corporate prayer is important. I'm convinced that many young folks, and especially new converts, learn how to pray by listening to public prayers in worship. And when I listen to these newer folks pray, they're often the most anxious over including all the right phrases in just the right order. So that it seems that we are in the business of breeding generations of Christians who pray artificial prayers whose only concern is their cosmetic appeal to the ear.

I guess what I'm interested in is hearing some fresh ideas that bring authenticity back to prayer en ekklesia. If you have any to offer, I'm all ears. Or if you can turn me onto a resource or two that has helped your ministry "do prayer" better, that'd be great too.

Britney

The newest single from Bebo Norman's soon-to-be-released new album. He says, "'Britney' is a song about what our culture says and does to young women these days. It's about the lies we tell them about fame and money and what's beautiful and what will give them life. It's an apology for those lies. But more than that, it's an invitation to the truth about a God who is bigger than the pain this world so often leaves them in."

So Far Away

I just found out that my favorite artist is going to be only a few hours away in Montgomery, AL in a few months. My man -- Bebo Norman. His lyrics speak to my soul. He's opening for "Mercy Me" at Frazer Memorial UMC, a well-known church in central Alabama I haven't visited yet. All of this would have me there in a heart-beat except that they scheduled this thing for a SUNDAY night...

You can only imagine this, but you've gotta understand that I just went from excited elation to abject dejection in a total of about 8 seconds.

I need my readers to give me a pep talk & remind me of why its important for me to be at church that Sunday night. How its my duty to be there for my church. How such a sacrifice & offering to God will make Him smile. Either that, or one of you give me permission to flake out & go bathe myself in beautiful music. :)

I don't like to miss Sunday's.

Ahhhhhh!! I'm so torn.

Return of the Power 12

We are tantalizingly close to Saturday's full of football again. My version of the best teams out there...

1.) Southern Cal
Another National Championship, and they've got team of the decade sewn up.

2.) Ohio State
They return a gob of starters, and can beat about anyone (except teams from a certain regional conference). Should be fun when they face the Trojans early.

3.) Georgia
Lots of talent. But if you follow SEC football, Georgia always figures out a way to mess up a good thing. I'm just not a true believer yet to rank them up at the top.

4.) Oklahoma
This analysis isn't that hard-hitting, but I like Bob Stoops.

5.) West Virginia
There'll be a steep decline after this season, but they still have a great offense.

6.) Missouri
A good QB can take you far, and the Tigers have one.

7.) LSU
These Tigers have everything but a good QB. They could possibly develop one & finish this high at the end of the season. Or they could wallow in mediocrity and drop to third or fourth in their conference division.

8.) Texas
It's not so much about the X's & the O's; it's about the Jimmy's and the Joe's. Mack Brown keeps bringing a steady stream of talent to Austin, so they should do well this season.

9.) Florida
They need to develop a defense to go with their battering ram quarterback.

10.) Wisconsin
Under-rated every year -- sure, I'll stick them in my top 10. They may not hang around for long, though, because they get Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State in successive weeks fairly early.

11.) Clemson
Supposedly the ACC favorite. There's a decent chance they could lose their opening game of the season against a certain crimson-clad school.

12.) Auburn
Because Bueller would give me a hard time I didn't include them.

Where Do Dead People Go?

I don't just not know where the angels sleep. I also don't know what happens to a soul when someone dies. I do however wonder and let my mind wander about what happens.

There are sort of two major views from Scripture. The first view is that people go to a place of pre-judged Judgment. Jesus tells a parable in Luke 16 about the Rich Man and Lazarus. The Rich Man is in "Hades" (not necessarily Hell), whereas Lazarus is in "Paradise" (not necessarily Heaven). And all of this is taking place in a timeline that pre-dates the Day of Judgment.

The second view is that the dead simply sleep. Paul seems to use that language in his letters quite often. Check out 1st Thessalonians 4:13-18 (NIV):

¹³Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. ¹⁴We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Lots of references to sleep in there. There are other places where Paul also talks about sleep, or "rest."

It's sort of an interesting debate. I like what I heard F. LaGard Smith say about it once. It's a debate where people can tend to get impassioned about their view. And usually you don't reach resolution if you encounter someone who doesn't share your view. And no matter what view you hold, whatever actually happens is going to happen irregardless of whatever we so passionately think or believe.

I've wondered about this debate in only an intellectual sense before. But now I have more of an emotional investment in the topic. Because now I wonder where my Mom is.

If she's in a place of pre-judged judgment, then she might be able to see what's going on. It certainly seems like the Rich Man had an awareness that his brothers still needed to repent.

If this is true, then it's sort of like when you're playing that game "Mafia." If you've ever played, if you get killed or voted out, you still get to watch what happens even though you can't participate. If you get killed or voted out early (as often happens to me), it's fun to have other people join the club & to watch their reaction to finding out who the mafia really is. Usually it is some level of shock or just a matter of fact nod in a way of thinking, "I knew it..."

I wonder if Mom is in Paradise with a front-row seat of everything that's going on. Rooting me on when I succeed; hoping desperately for me to do better when I fail. If so, she'll have so much to share with me whenever I get to speak with her again.

But, if Mom is merely asleep, then she doesn't see anything that's going on. She's at rest. I could imagine spending the first few hours of the next life with her anxiously asking me, "What happened? How did it all go without me?" And I will try to fill her in on the more salient details of my life. I could imagine us spending the next few years together with me occasionally bringing up stories that I just hadn't gotten around to telling her yet, trying to fill in the blanks & share important parts of my life with her.

I can even imagine that scenario happening with people who have already died. I could imagine Ben Franklin waking up & wanting to know, "That little 'America' experiment of our's... how did it all turn out?" I could imagine long suffering Red Sox fans -- the poor souls who died before October 2004 -- waking up eagerly wanting to know, "How did it all end? Did we ever stick it to the Yankees?" And gleefully being able to fill them in -- telling the story of the 2004 ALCS with ALL the giddy details, including Dave Roberts' steal, Curt Schilling's bloody sock, and the emergence of a legend we now call "Big Papi."

But I don't know which scenario is true. Either way it'll be fun. Either way, in between all the time we spend worshiping God, I imagine that we will gregariously enjoy regaling one another with stories from the days of yore.

Pictures from the Olympics Opening Ceremony

I think Greg Kendall-Ball is buddies on Facebook with most of my readers already. I found these photos when he sent out this link. But if you haven't seen them, check them out by clicking here.

I'm struck by how MANY performers they employed. It is a massive amount. Almost feels like they're being showy about their gigantic population. It'd sorta be like Shaq going, "Hey, I'm really big, you know..."

You're On Notice!

Oh the Thrill

If you're a girl, I'm just gonna go ahead & say that this might not be the blog entry for you. It could possibly gross you out. Don't say that I didn't warn ya...

---

I've never been one that is fond of bathrooms. I know that there are men who like to sit on their throne. I'm just not one of them. I prefer to get in, get out, & get on with my life. Its just not the most comfortable place in the home for me to read a magazine.

Plus, there are all the rules. I don't know why, but women rule in the realm of the bathroom. Men have to remember to put the seat back down all the time. Why can't it be that women have to remember to put the seat back up for us men?

I have to think that these discomforts have contributed to what I've just recently discovered as a joy in my life: outdoor urination. For the longest time, I couldn't really explain exactly why the simple act of peeing outside makes me happy. But after mulling it over, I think I have some good explanations.

Pee X-ing

For one, I'm not wasting water. According to PeeOutside.org, a single flush uses 3 gallons of water. I recognize this, and I feel good about my conservationist ways.

Also, it's quicker. To go indoors, you have to go to the bathroom, close the door, turn on the fan, pull up the seat, unzip the fly, unleash the flow, possibly clean up any mis-aimed mess, flush, put the seat down, turn off the fan, and finally you're done. When going outdoors, it is much more simple. And I think I'm just a simple kind of man.

As for other upsides for peeing outdoors, I found this on a random blog that came up in my in-depth research:

I have an adult psychologist friend who found that peeing around the yard helped to keep off the stray dogs

Not a bad benefit.

To be completely frank, though, I think that a large part of the appeal is the thrill of doing something totally against generally accepted norms of 21st century civilization. It is similar to the thrill of eating something that was cooked over a fire instead of in an oven. We enjoy it almost more than the novelty itself would really warrant. And I believe this is so because it is an affirmation that our lives are sometimes unnecessarily complex. We wish for them to be more simple. And if a small, insignificant activity like urinating outdoors can make us feel liberated from all that hems us in -- even if only for a fleeting moment -- then ladies who didn't heed my warning: let us enjoy the tinge of joy we get from the call of nature.

Finally, I leave you with this. It was the funniest thing I read in my Yahoo! research tonight... a comment left on a blog about peeing outdoors...

That is how we made a breakthrough in potty training our son: we asked him to go water the tree in our yard. And it stuck, a little too well. It was a while before we convinced him that there were only certain trees he could pee on.

There's an Eye Watching You

I wrote a few weeks ago about how I really don't fathom the love of God. And I think that's part of the reason why I don't spend more time praying to Him.

I listened to just an encouraging little sermon by Buddy Bell last week. Buddy's one of my favorite preachers (I oscillate back & forth between him and Jim McGuiggan as to who is my all-time favorite). Buddy preached about an all-seeing eye that's watching you. Do you remember that old-tyme hymn?

All along the road to the soul's true abode,
There's an Eye watching you.
Every step that you take that great Eye is awake,
There's an Eye watching you.

As you make life’s flight, keep the pathway of right
There’s an Eye watching you.
God will warn not to go in the path of the foe
There’s an Eye watching you.

Fix your mind on the goal that sweet home of the soul
There’s an Eye watching you.
Never turn from the way to the Kingdom of the Day
There’s an Eye watching you.

(CHORUS)
Watching you, watching you,
Everyday mind the course you pursue;
Watching you, watching you,
There's an all-seeing Eye watching you.

There's something intimidating about that thought. I mean, do those lyrics make you feel more secure, or more insecure? We could have a mind to resent that all-seeing eye that's a-watchin' us.

Buddy began to talk about Hagar out of Genesis 16. Most of you remember the pickle she found herself in. After letting Abram get her pregnant, and seeing Sarai grow resentful, Hagar ran away. Can you only imagine how afraid she was?... this young pregnant slave girl on the run.

And then God finds her. And speaking through one of His angels, God tries to comfort Sarai. Now, this might seem like an ordinary text to us. Angels speak to folks all the time when we open up our Bible. But this wasn't ordinary to Hagar. In a matter of moments, Hagar realizes that God knows her name, that God knows the name of her child, that God knows about the child's descendants, and that God even knows about the child's personality!

So then Hagar speaks in 16:13...

She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi (meaning "The Well of the Living One Who sees me")

In her distress, God was watching her. Buddy goes on to deliver a great line. He said that he thinks the hymn is true, but the spirit of it isn't quite right. Because "the truth is this: its that God loves you so much... [pause for effect] ...He can't take His eyes off of you."

Now, that's a good bit of rhetoric right there. :) Maybe you've heard it somewhere else before -- I think I have, too -- but I thought it was a good line.

So I've been thinking about that concept: loving something so much that you can't take your eyes off of it. I don't think I love anything that much. In fact, the only thing I could conceptualize loving that much is a parent's love for a new-born child. I've been around enough new parents to hear them describe the awe & wonderment of their new-born baby. It's like they're transfixed: they become hypnotized in their great love for this new life. They literally love so much that they can't take their eyes off of their new baby.

So, when I pray tonight, I'm going to envision that the great God receiving my words on the other end is as interested & invested in what I have to say as would be the parent of a new-born child. Still, that's hard for me to grasp. Part of me still doesn't get it. I mean, even for those new parents, the luster of that awe & wonderment wears off after a few diaper changes. Right?

Paul writes the following in Ephesians...

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened [...]

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I pray that for me.

R.I.P. Skip Caray

Having grown up watching Braves games on TBS with my Dad and grandmother, this one makes me sad.

And I CAN'T BELIEVE that his son, Chip, called the game in Yankee Stadium today between the Yankees and the Angels. I didn't even hear him talk about his loss. Amazing.

Sports Haiku's

A long time ago, while I was an undergraduate student at Harding University, the University of Florida had a football coach named Ron Zook. He was so hated that some Gator alumnus started a web site called FireRonZook.com. My room-mate & I took much glee in the haiku's that were printed there about Ron Zook. Sadly, the web site has gone away, and I can't find those haiku's anymore. I just remember that one of the haiku's started with the line "Sucky Sucky Coach."

So, I thought I would bring back the very merry genre known as the sports haiku. Enjoy...

About the horrific former Texas Ranger pitcher Chan Ho Park
By Texas Ranger fan, Jordan Powell

Painful memories return
Park throws large beach ball to plate
The Ho has to go

Sucky Sucky Arm
If curve not dive into dirt
Ball flies over stands


About Brett Favre...

Bribing Brett to sit
Packer fans scratch their cheese-heads
Stay healthy, Aaron


About my beloved Crimson Tide...

Seniors really stink
but the Freshman really good
We will be lousy


About the hated Auburn Tigers...

Silly new offense
Can't recruit with the big boys
Tommy's end is near


Found on the Red Sox forum "The Sons of Sam Horn"

Jeter, anus-face
Jeter, Jeter, anus-face
Jeter, anus-face


About Manny Ramirez...

Way too much drama
More money for his mama
Hate like Osama

I hate Scott Boras
Pours honey in Manny's ear
Hope for small pay-day


About Joba Chamberlain...

A new Yank to hate
He's more homely than Babe Ruth
They like 'em ugly

My Comprehensive Manny Entry

I have little doubt that Peter Gammons has been a mouthpiece in public for the Red Sox Front Office's views. And he's really summed it up well from my perspective, too. So, that said, here's Gammons this week on Manny:

How & Why Manny Was Acting Out

Why He Had to Go

And other various sundry thoughts...


I'll remember the good times with Manny. 2004 World Series MVP. Helping to take us to the promised land twice. The potent Manny/Papi connection in the lineup.

But in the meantime, I'll be rooting for Manny to fall flat on his face Nomar-style. His level of selfishness represents to me everything that is evil & wicked. I want Manny to ultimately wish he would have hung around to get his $40 million from the Red Sox. I want this to be a lesson to every future would-be free agent who thinks they can throw a fit to get their way & get top dollar. So that when a future athlete thinks of acting out and being selfish, he will think of the cautionary tale that is Manny Ramirez.

So, right now? I guess you could say that I think as highly of Manny as Johnny Cash did of San Quentin. However, like I pretend the Yankee years never happened with my boy-hood hero Wade Boggs, one day I'll try to forget the bad times & fondly remember "Manny being Manny."